Moving to Splitsville
Some couples find that moving day can be the biggest test of their dedication to each other

 by Suzanne Alyssa Andrew
Toronto Star Thursday, June 22, 2006

Jay Somerset and his wife Siobhan Kelly thought they had done everything right.

After hiring a reputable company, they weren't expecting their three moving men to show up three hours late, in the wrong vehicle and lacking the requisite supplies. While two of them seemed capable, albeit disorganized, the third was visibly drunk. What should have been a straightforward downtown-to-downtown move costing roughly $350 grew progressively more stressful and more expensive.

Boxes were dropped, furniture was broken and one nosy mover dripped sweat on the pages of an antiquarian dictionary. The move became a two-day ordeal that required the couple to store their stuff, uninsured, in the moving van overnight. The grand total — $700 — was twice the estimated price.

"There wasn't much we could do," says Somerset recalling his anger at the moving company."We tried to complain when we paid the bill and later to the company, but we didn't get anywhere."

Despite the kind of acute tension that would bring many couples to the boiling point, Somerset and Kelly kept their cool and worked as a team during their moving-day chaos. Kelly handled the repeated calls to the moving company's dispatcher, while Somerset headed to the hardware store to buy ropes and pulleys. Both hoisted boxes and furniture alongside the inept pros.

"Sometimes in these situations, you have to think in terms of small steps," says Somerset. "We tried to solve one problem at a time, like how we were going to get the couch in despite the narrow winding stairs."

Yet for many couples, moving isn't nearly as amicable. And, as much as we'd like to think our spouse or partner is going to be a stalwart, tireless packer, organizing genius or, at the very least, provide comic relief during a move, the stress can often manifest itself as squabbling.

It can also lead to Splitsville.

In the first study of its kind, a team of Austrian researchers from an independent demographics institute crunched migration data from Europe and North America to determine the effect of moving on couples' relationships. The results, released in February, indicate that while moving in together, buying a home together or transferring for a promotion are popularly considered joyful events, the more often a couple moves, the more they risk breaking up.

While the researchers noted that long-distance moves involve disruption of social networks as well as the career trajectory of the tagalong spouse, they were surprised to discover that short-distance moves were just as unsettling, explaining that women often bear the burden of household packing and organization for these moves.

"Stress is a reality of moving," says Denis Cordick of AMJ Campbell Van Lines, adding that moving is one of the most stressful things you can do in your life. "The reason why you're moving in the first place can be stressful in and of itself, whether it's a job loss or transfer, death or divorce."

Cordick, whose company tries to help couples and families preplan all aspects of their move, from timing to truck size, cautions that because moving companies aren't regulated in Ontario, anyone can get a van and call themselves professional movers. He advocates hiring the best movers possible, preferably by using referrals.

Watching movers pile all your possessions into a truck and drive away is frightening. Sitting in an empty house waiting the seven to 14 days for your stuff to show up after a long-distance move can be excruciating.

Mark Behal, a sales rep for Two Small Men With Great Big Hearts Moving Co., says he sees one single stressor trigger tension over and over."Couples don't get really stressed about stuff getting damaged in a move, as long as there's a good claims department. What stresses them out the most is the price," says Behal, who notes that his company has won the Ontario Consumers Choice Award consecutively since 1999, in part because of its ability to resolve claims. As Behal explains, getting a good, written estimate well in advance may save you a financial headache (and possibly a spat) later.

Accounting comes into play in the emotional, not just physical aspects of a move. "During a move, couples depend on each other," explains Toronto couples' counsellor Beth Mares. "When they're both looking to each other for support, demand can exceed supply." Mares, who notes that people often don't realize what they're getting into when they move, recommends couples recognize that their spouse is going through a hard time, too.

Kira Vermond has survived 22 moves in 33 years as a result of her father's transfers, university life and in the pursuit of her own career. Her last six were with her husband, and she recently accomplished the feat with a toddler in tow.She says that poor planning and last-minute pack-a-thons lead to moving-related tension. By devising a system that involves colour-coded boxes, assembly-line box hefting and lots of helpers who are generously remunerated with food and drink, she and her husband have been able to ride out whatever happens ? even during a move last year when their reserved moving truck wasn't on the lot and the rental company was unable to locate a replacement.

"We had eight friends and family members sitting in our living room while we madly phoned around looking for an available truck," she says."But we eventually found one, worked hard and were moved into our new place by 10 p.m."



How to keep your cool in moving hell
Keep it together on moving day with this advice from Toronto-based psychotherapist Jennifer Pearson.

It's nobody's bad: It's easy to point fingers or take things personally when you're stressed. Attribute challenges to the circumstances, not the fault of your partner.

Try some anti-Zen: Step out of living-in-the moment long enough to remember that moving hell is temporary and you'll be settled in, watching TV on the sofa soon enough.

Get your control-freak on/off: Know what the controllable aspects are of the situation and what things you need to let go of. Then let go of them.

Don't do it all yourself: You can't (nor should you) lift that heavy sofa up the stairs by yourselves. Ask for help and don't turn down any friendly offers.

What's so funny?: As much as possible, keep your sense of humour intact through the stress.

Breathe like a dragon: Take deep breaths in then exhale all the stress out.


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